My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Chicken bread
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
i was baptized in a car wash
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–