ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
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A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.