welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.