Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
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[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.