Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
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How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
i will avenge u mr van gogh
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet