Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
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I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down