My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
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Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old