Möther may I have a snäck
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Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
wtf is an acronym
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Check your privilege
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.