Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
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Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct