waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
You Might Also Like
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Oh thanks BBC.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I know this now 😂