me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
You Might Also Like
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool