Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.