do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
new record!
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
This why you should mind your business
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I’m not wrong
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”