“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Thoughts
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I identify as an antique shop.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.