Something Saturday.
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.