I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years