Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
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[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”