[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
what?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA