Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”