When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
NASA has no chill
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.