Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
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You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
This meeting could have been a cake
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”