You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
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Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I am crying
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
channeling her this year
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.