I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
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Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I can’t stop laughing at this
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
#winning
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.