I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
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The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.