Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
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DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
So inspired right now.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?