A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
This dude got his own movie?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
everyone has that one prude friend
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”