Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
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Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Not all heroes wear capes…
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air