5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
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Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I’m not stressed
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!