its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response