Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
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Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Worlds greatest photobomb
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?