No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
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Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them