I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
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me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.