Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
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*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫