Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
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Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.