“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
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I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Are these grass-fed oranges?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
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