If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.