My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
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The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.