It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
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People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave