You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
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I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Said the murderer.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van