My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
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Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Good dog. ❤️
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
They grow up so quick