WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
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Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Do not levitate over flowers
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
#parenting
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.