Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.