Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
You Might Also Like
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.