People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
🤣😈🤣
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?