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Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape