When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
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I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.