8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job