One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
You Might Also Like
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady