why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.