I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
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Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.